But at the same time I don’t feel guitly. I feel like things have changed ever since that whole thing happened. I never really trusted anyone to be my “best friend” I kind of just say it. Yeah, I talk to you more and stuff, but I don’t believe in that bullshit. You’re my friend, someone I know. I love you for being there. But sometimes I feel like everything revolves around you. Sometimes I want someone to talk to about things when I feel sad…and I feel like I can’t call you because you don’t want to hear about it…so I just tell Luis…and if he’s not available…I keep it to myself as usual. 

So when you text me, and I’m giving you straight-forward answers, and not really answering your calls…it’s cause I feel like there’s nothing to talk about. You only call me when you need me. Or whatever. I feel like I can’t trust anyone. I only trust him. He’s my true best friend. Though he can’t be there 24.7, he’s my life partner and I share everything with him. And with you…I can’t…or I don’t want to. 

I know in the end I’ll end up alone as usual. I push everyone who wants to be there for me…but I just feel like I don’t WANT/CAN’T rely on anyone except for certain people. My mom, and my boyfriend. I know you’re not supposed to put him in front of your “friends”…but still. I don’t care. 

Ever since I was little people took advantage of how nice I am. And they still do. So I feel like you’re abusing my nice-ness. Therefore it’s not that I don’t want to be friends. I just don’t feel the same as before. I’ll always be here for you as your “best friend” or whatever you want to call me. It’s just I feel like you can’t be there for me. 

Things are different. I want to live somewhere new. I want to grow older. I want to be with him. I want to be in a new city. See new people. See new life. I feel like you’re holding me down…and I can’t let that happen. My future comes before yours. Not in a rude way..but in the sense that I’m always helping YOU out…when I should be worried about myself and MY happiness. 

I want to be with Luis. That is all. That’s what I TRULY want. 

Sorry.  :/