I want to prepare my wedding. Get my dress. See Luis standing, waiting for me at the alter. Knowing I’m going to marry the love of my life. I know people call me crazy. But I really do . Everyone tells me I still have A LOT of growing up to do. I know that.I really do. But I feel like a Mother, a House-wife and pretty much everything. I am always the one cooking dinner. I am always the one grocery shopping. I do all my family’s laundry. I know it doesn’t qualify me to get married…but still. I nanny 24.7 and these kids call me “mommy”. I work. I go to school. Etc. But I want to be married. I want to start my life with him; Luis. I want us to have children.

I’ve never had a legit family. I don’t think most people have. But I grew up in such a fucked up household, I want to create a beautiful one. I know that I am still young. I still have to finish school. But I’ve always dreamed of being a Mother. It’s weird. I’m so old-fashioned. I would love to get up early in the morning, make my Luis breakfast, kiss him away to work. Wake my kids up, make them lunch, take them to school, wish them a good day. Come home, clean up do some errands. Pick up the kids, help them with homework, make dinner, welcome Luis home, give him kisses and stuff, and then eat dinner. Have some family time, like a game or watch a movie, kiss our kids to bed, and then we have time for ourselves. I want that. I want that so bad. 

I don’t care what people think. Everyone tells me I’m foolish. That I’m still young, and I have my whole life ahead of me. I know. But it’s what I want. I’m not going to go get pregnant, and get married now. But soon. I hope.

I wonder if anyone else feels like this?  

But I just want that. But I guess I’ll wait. 

“I’m wasting my time with Luis”. :( Because he’s not Muslim, he’s Christian, and if we ever planned on getting married…he better be ready to convert. I love my religion. But why does it have to stand in some of the way sometimes. Aren’t you supposed to love everyone? Luis wants me to be in his religion. But I don’t know. It’s too complicated what I got myself into. :(

She told me this a while back. And now I’m thinking about it…and it’s hitting me. I don’t want to break up because our future doesn’t look so bright. :( It’s unfair.

Stupid love.

I know it’s wrong. But I try not to be. But fuck, I really am. I’m jealous of people who get to see you all the fucking time. Talk to you whenever they want. They don’t know how LUCKY they are. 

I Want To Cry. I want to be with you. Why are you in New Jersey. Why am I in California? Why can’t we just be together.

You know today, I met this girl. And we were sitting in class, it was a group of us. We had finished our exercise. And then we came to talking about different things. Then she noticed a my ring, on my ring finger. I mainly put it there because it feels more comfortable because I am right handed and it bothers me on my right hand so I put it on my left, and plus it’s a statement of “I’m taken”. Well to me it is. So she asked me if I had a boyfriend, and quite happily I replied “yes”. And she’s like “oh cool, does he go here?” And I explained to her no he doesn’t. He lives in New Jersey. And she’s like, “oh”. Then I kind of got angry, and I’m like, what do you mean, “oh”. And she’s like, “well technically you aren’t really together. So he’s not even  your boyfriend, I find it odd how you call him your boyfriend when he’s not even here”. I was shocked about HOW rude she could be. I wanted to punch her face. I swear. I kindly explained to her that, yes he is my boyfriend even though we are seperated. And she kept chuckling and going, “no really he isn’t, find someone here, stop being stupid”. I looked at her, said, ” i dont give TWO fucks if you don’t think he’s my boyfriend. He IS my boyfriend, I love him NO matter the fucking distance. Yeah, I miss him like crazy, and just because we don’t see eachother, it does NOT mean we are NOT in love or AREN’T boyfriend and girlfriend. Then I said, I hope one day you and the love of your life get speerated. I know that is SO mean to say, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. But I hope to God it happens to you, so that you can see it doesn’t MATTER the fucking distance”. Got up and walked away. 

I don’t know HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES I run into idiots like these telling them my boyfriend is REAL or that my relationship is real. The next time someone says, “are you in a relationship” or “do you have a boyfriend” I’ll say “yes, and the rest is none of your business, I’m happy so fuck off”. Well, maybe not the “fuck off ” part But still. 

I’m mad. It’s always the days where I miss Luis the most. That idiots like these spring up, being so fucking rude. Like where are your damn manners. I don’t care if you’re being HONEST, but shit, have some limits. 

I’m just going to go cry myself a river and cry.

I Love You Luis. I don’t care what they say. We WILL be together one day. FUCK what they think.